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Amarillo Newspaper 'Springs Into 20th Century'
Thurgood Washington, Freelance Contributor
August 1, 2012
Amarillo, TX--Amarillo’s sole source for newsprint today announced that its content would now be available on the popular iPad. “This is a great leap for us,” gushed publisher Les Sincere. “By making our paper available on the iPad, we have convincingly jumped into the 20th Century.”
The move to publishing on the iPad has not been without its problems. “We had to reconfigure our presses to print on that small surface,” explained John Nonalis, “and we will need to distribute magnifying glasses to most of our customers so that they can read the 2 point font we had to use to get all the news onto those little rascals.”
Other problems included the added weight that paperboys would contend with in the distribution chain. Printing the newspaper on iPads requires as many as four of the Apple devices. “Five, if you want to print the obituaries,” said Sincere. “Paper delivery persons will probably have to modify their bicycles to carry the increased bulk of the iPads,” he added. On the brighter side, the news organization believes that the iPads can be recycled, unlike traditional newsprint. “You won’t find these things lining the bottoms of bird cages,” noted Nonalis.
Readers who want their news delivered on the iPad will see some increase in their subscription price. “Given the $500 cost per unit times four units a day, we think we’ll have to raise subscription prices to around $60,000 per month,” explained Sincere. The long-time publisher believes that there will nevertheless be a robust market for the new service. “There are lots of folks in town who can afford this upgrade—plastic surgeons, oil barons, school superintendents, folks like that.” Additionally, the paper has already installed recycling bins in most alleys in town so that environmentally sensitive readers can recycle the iPad units, which should reduce the price considerably. According to Nonalis, the recycling effort has been somewhat hampered by a rash of thefts of the recycled devices. “I guess there’s some kind of use for those things that we haven’t thought of yet,” he noted.
August 1, 2012
Amarillo, TX--Amarillo’s sole source for newsprint today announced that its content would now be available on the popular iPad. “This is a great leap for us,” gushed publisher Les Sincere. “By making our paper available on the iPad, we have convincingly jumped into the 20th Century.”
The move to publishing on the iPad has not been without its problems. “We had to reconfigure our presses to print on that small surface,” explained John Nonalis, “and we will need to distribute magnifying glasses to most of our customers so that they can read the 2 point font we had to use to get all the news onto those little rascals.”
Other problems included the added weight that paperboys would contend with in the distribution chain. Printing the newspaper on iPads requires as many as four of the Apple devices. “Five, if you want to print the obituaries,” said Sincere. “Paper delivery persons will probably have to modify their bicycles to carry the increased bulk of the iPads,” he added. On the brighter side, the news organization believes that the iPads can be recycled, unlike traditional newsprint. “You won’t find these things lining the bottoms of bird cages,” noted Nonalis.
Readers who want their news delivered on the iPad will see some increase in their subscription price. “Given the $500 cost per unit times four units a day, we think we’ll have to raise subscription prices to around $60,000 per month,” explained Sincere. The long-time publisher believes that there will nevertheless be a robust market for the new service. “There are lots of folks in town who can afford this upgrade—plastic surgeons, oil barons, school superintendents, folks like that.” Additionally, the paper has already installed recycling bins in most alleys in town so that environmentally sensitive readers can recycle the iPad units, which should reduce the price considerably. According to Nonalis, the recycling effort has been somewhat hampered by a rash of thefts of the recycled devices. “I guess there’s some kind of use for those things that we haven’t thought of yet,” he noted.
Local Altruists Give Back to Society One Internet Comment at a Time
July 24, 2012 - Amarillo, TX
Josie James, Staff Reporter
Uriah Masonic may look like a typical college student, back “home” in Amarillo for the summer -- sandals, neon sunglasses, Hollister t-shirt, and cargo pants -- but he is in no way your average frat boy. He is a man on a mission.
Scanning through the comments section of the local news you’ll find many brave souls of every political and religious stripe helping out their fellow man by launching into charged, mocking tirades meant to challenge people’s “totally wrong” views and finally bring to light the heretofore little-known “truth.”
Uriah, perhaps better known for his internet handle “plzlvmedddy43” donates literally hundreds of hours every month endlessly pouring over the comments sections of blogs, news stories, and sometimes even YouTube videos to share the wisdom he has learned while away at the University of Bridgeport, Connecticut. He says of his own volunteerism, “Oh, it’s nothing. Man, it’s just like, there are so many ignorant repubtards in Amarillo. You can’t just let people, like, spew their stupidity on the internet when you know better, you know? I mean, it’s our obligation as the intelligentsia to testify, to rage against the machine, to take the power back from the 1%.” He continued, “Besides, there really aren’t any jobs in this backwards-ass town for someone working on their masters degree in Recreation Studies, so I’m just making this my job. Every afternoon when I get up, it’s back on the grind helping wake up the ‘sheeple’ from their primitive views. Not complicated, really.”
Uriah is an example of one of many of this new type of digital area volunteer educator. The trend toward remedial societal blogging is further evidenced by a recent posting from Vic Doomis, a local frequent flyer in the internet opinion sharing world, who astutely blogged “The blogosphere is the domain of the dumb. I think. People who spend that much time in front of their computers anonymously airing their unsolicited opinions have ceased to perform any valuable function to reality-based human society. Except for me, of course -- I’m just there to help them see how misguided they are.”
One such do-gooder, Maisha Eader, a committed Catholic, donates her time to the internet combatting such societal ills as abortion and gay marriage. Recently, she graciously donated a whole morning in which she normally would’ve been watching game shows to theologically deconstruct gay marriage proponents, posting the following under the pseudonym stupid-E: “Sorry, the bible says it plain and unmistakable. The gays can puff themselves up all they want and try to convince people only they knew best. But what they’s sayin’ is laughable. When I say that allowing perverts to marry or adopt children cannot be good for this nation I at least have the Holy Scripture on my side. I don’t require no one else’s opinion.”
Though it may seem like this kind of commenting is a useless exercise in egomaniacal self-affirmation, there are some who might disagree.
“I never realized that my former lifestyle was so damaging to this country until some unknown hero insightfully commented ‘It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, Fagzzz!’,” said completely fictional ex-gay man Porfirio Hamano. “God bless, ‘Five4PeacefulResolution222’ for loving me enough to make see the error of my ways. Sorry, Steve.”
“My strongly held political convictions were radically altered by the wittiness of your comment on my blog,” said no one ever.
Josie James, Staff Reporter
Uriah Masonic may look like a typical college student, back “home” in Amarillo for the summer -- sandals, neon sunglasses, Hollister t-shirt, and cargo pants -- but he is in no way your average frat boy. He is a man on a mission.
Scanning through the comments section of the local news you’ll find many brave souls of every political and religious stripe helping out their fellow man by launching into charged, mocking tirades meant to challenge people’s “totally wrong” views and finally bring to light the heretofore little-known “truth.”
Uriah, perhaps better known for his internet handle “plzlvmedddy43” donates literally hundreds of hours every month endlessly pouring over the comments sections of blogs, news stories, and sometimes even YouTube videos to share the wisdom he has learned while away at the University of Bridgeport, Connecticut. He says of his own volunteerism, “Oh, it’s nothing. Man, it’s just like, there are so many ignorant repubtards in Amarillo. You can’t just let people, like, spew their stupidity on the internet when you know better, you know? I mean, it’s our obligation as the intelligentsia to testify, to rage against the machine, to take the power back from the 1%.” He continued, “Besides, there really aren’t any jobs in this backwards-ass town for someone working on their masters degree in Recreation Studies, so I’m just making this my job. Every afternoon when I get up, it’s back on the grind helping wake up the ‘sheeple’ from their primitive views. Not complicated, really.”
Uriah is an example of one of many of this new type of digital area volunteer educator. The trend toward remedial societal blogging is further evidenced by a recent posting from Vic Doomis, a local frequent flyer in the internet opinion sharing world, who astutely blogged “The blogosphere is the domain of the dumb. I think. People who spend that much time in front of their computers anonymously airing their unsolicited opinions have ceased to perform any valuable function to reality-based human society. Except for me, of course -- I’m just there to help them see how misguided they are.”
One such do-gooder, Maisha Eader, a committed Catholic, donates her time to the internet combatting such societal ills as abortion and gay marriage. Recently, she graciously donated a whole morning in which she normally would’ve been watching game shows to theologically deconstruct gay marriage proponents, posting the following under the pseudonym stupid-E: “Sorry, the bible says it plain and unmistakable. The gays can puff themselves up all they want and try to convince people only they knew best. But what they’s sayin’ is laughable. When I say that allowing perverts to marry or adopt children cannot be good for this nation I at least have the Holy Scripture on my side. I don’t require no one else’s opinion.”
Though it may seem like this kind of commenting is a useless exercise in egomaniacal self-affirmation, there are some who might disagree.
“I never realized that my former lifestyle was so damaging to this country until some unknown hero insightfully commented ‘It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, Fagzzz!’,” said completely fictional ex-gay man Porfirio Hamano. “God bless, ‘Five4PeacefulResolution222’ for loving me enough to make see the error of my ways. Sorry, Steve.”
“My strongly held political convictions were radically altered by the wittiness of your comment on my blog,” said no one ever.
Refrain Amarillo: Strip Club Ministry in Full Swing
July 19, 2012 - Amarillo, TX
Josie James, Staff Writer
In keeping with their pledge to be 110% more “XTreme” than any other Christian group in town, Refrain Amarillo has shifted its ministry efforts to win over the souls of local strippers. In a move that might help get their name back into the paper again, Refrain Amarillo added local strip clubs to their normal weekend rotation.
The group, best known for single-handedly dragging Amarillo’s name into the national spotlight as a possible location for a Terry Jones copycat Koran burning, has been known to minister outside of such bastions of sin as gay bars, swingers clubs, and branches of the United Methodist Church.
“You know,” said Dave Griswold, group leader and self-proclaimed saint, “Jesus called us to be warriors against the dark forces in this world. Most Christians are content to sit on their asses in a pew praising the Lord, giving 10% of their income to charity, and donating time to organizations that help orphans and widows. Not us. No way. We’re going to be out here kicking at the gates of hell in the sleaziest places in Amarillo until the day that we die . . . or until the day that the Muslins in the Whitehouse finally put us in the camps.”
The move has reportedly been a boon to Refrain Amarillo, more than doubling their normal attendance numbers for their regularly held weekend prayer vigils. Said 18 year old budding Christian, Valentin Bensberg, “Yeah, the Lord really laid it on my heart that I’m called to go into these strip clubs and love some of these hurting women in Jesus name,” he added, “At least that’s what I’m telling my parents, anyway.”
A spokeswoman for local critics of Refrain Amarillo, the Amarillo Coalition Against Refrain Amarillo, said that the shift came as no surprise. “Gosh, we hate to spread gossip, but doesn’t it seem a little odd to anyone else that this is a guy that hangs outside of swingers parties, and now strip clubs? I mean, doesn’t it seem suspect that God would specifically call someone to minister predominantly the scantily clad?”
“Oh man, we had to pretend that Griswold completely shut us down,” said Aldo Shomin, local swinger. “See, he and his old lady kept showing up to our key parties, decked in leather or camo, seemingly down to party. It was traumatizing to several members of the group. We tried switching up the location several times.”
Mr. Shomin continued, “Once, after the libations had been flowing a bit, one of our members let it slip that we didn’t want him there. Dave got up from the bar and muttered something about how the joke was on us because they were just there to do some ‘undercover work.’ Then they stormed out. After that we had to play along with his ‘I’m-gonna-shut-down-the-swinger’s-club-for-Jesus ruse for months’ until we could finally get him off our of tails. I mean, literally.”
Josie James, Staff Writer
In keeping with their pledge to be 110% more “XTreme” than any other Christian group in town, Refrain Amarillo has shifted its ministry efforts to win over the souls of local strippers. In a move that might help get their name back into the paper again, Refrain Amarillo added local strip clubs to their normal weekend rotation.
The group, best known for single-handedly dragging Amarillo’s name into the national spotlight as a possible location for a Terry Jones copycat Koran burning, has been known to minister outside of such bastions of sin as gay bars, swingers clubs, and branches of the United Methodist Church.
“You know,” said Dave Griswold, group leader and self-proclaimed saint, “Jesus called us to be warriors against the dark forces in this world. Most Christians are content to sit on their asses in a pew praising the Lord, giving 10% of their income to charity, and donating time to organizations that help orphans and widows. Not us. No way. We’re going to be out here kicking at the gates of hell in the sleaziest places in Amarillo until the day that we die . . . or until the day that the Muslins in the Whitehouse finally put us in the camps.”
The move has reportedly been a boon to Refrain Amarillo, more than doubling their normal attendance numbers for their regularly held weekend prayer vigils. Said 18 year old budding Christian, Valentin Bensberg, “Yeah, the Lord really laid it on my heart that I’m called to go into these strip clubs and love some of these hurting women in Jesus name,” he added, “At least that’s what I’m telling my parents, anyway.”
A spokeswoman for local critics of Refrain Amarillo, the Amarillo Coalition Against Refrain Amarillo, said that the shift came as no surprise. “Gosh, we hate to spread gossip, but doesn’t it seem a little odd to anyone else that this is a guy that hangs outside of swingers parties, and now strip clubs? I mean, doesn’t it seem suspect that God would specifically call someone to minister predominantly the scantily clad?”
“Oh man, we had to pretend that Griswold completely shut us down,” said Aldo Shomin, local swinger. “See, he and his old lady kept showing up to our key parties, decked in leather or camo, seemingly down to party. It was traumatizing to several members of the group. We tried switching up the location several times.”
Mr. Shomin continued, “Once, after the libations had been flowing a bit, one of our members let it slip that we didn’t want him there. Dave got up from the bar and muttered something about how the joke was on us because they were just there to do some ‘undercover work.’ Then they stormed out. After that we had to play along with his ‘I’m-gonna-shut-down-the-swinger’s-club-for-Jesus ruse for months’ until we could finally get him off our of tails. I mean, literally.”
Local Weatherman Clings to Relevancy
July 10, 2012 - Amarillo, TX
Kurtis Brozowski, Staff Writer
Veteran Amarillo meteorologist “Doppler” Dave Oliver recently admitted in a tell-all interview that he has often prayed for threatening weather to assail the Amarillo area. “You’ve got all the gadgets at the ready,” he said. “You’ve got the cutting edge radars and the tornado prediction software. All I’m saying is it’d be nice to get to use it more than once every two years.”
The admission follows what Oliver himself called “kind of a meltdown” on a recent 6:00 KFDA broadcast. After tracking a line of violent storms moving in from eastern New Mexico, Oliver was dismayed when the band broke apart in the western panhandle. “I don’t know how many more freaking times I can feign interest in a rain shower in God-forsaken Union County!” Oliver shouted as he pranced back and forth wildly in front of the green screen. “There’s more antelope than people in Union county, and they sure as hell don’t need me to tell them it’s raining!” he dismayed before being replaced by the seven-day forecast.
Oliver was given a week’s leave from KFDA, but has since returned to the nightly news broadcast.
“I’ll admit it,” he told Amarillo Sphere News. “There are nights when I get down on my knees and pray for a line of tornadoes. Some hail. Anything.” The veteran weather anchor seemed saddened by this admission, but not really apologetic. “Ask around,” he told us. “Other guys in this business, they’ll tell you the same thing. Our only time to shine is when we can cut into the final episode of Survivor and tell people to seek a centralized room and stay away from windows.”
“It’s worth the angry calls,” he added.
Long-time Amarillo meteorologist and renowned local deaf man Roy McCoy shared Oliver‘s cynicism. “Hell,” he says, “I used to make up tornadoes in them counties nobody lives in. Nothing boosts ratings like ‘tornado warning’ across the top of the screen” McCoy said louder than necessary. “Now you kids gonna buy some hearing aids or not?”
Research confirms McCoy reported approximately 11 tornado warnings in Lipscomb County from 1991-1996 that were never confirmed by the National Weather Service.
Oliver says the prevalence of internet weather information and The Weather Channel has all but made his job obsolete. “It’s kind of depressing,” he conceded. “Sure, I change the projected highs a couple of degrees, and bump up the rain chances just to give people some hope. But, you try telling people what they already know three times a day every day of the year. People around here know it’s hot and dry. Broadcasting from freaking Wonderland Park can’t change that message.”
Oliver added that he knew the city of Clayton, New Mexico was in Union County, but doubted many people there were watching anyway. He encouraged readers to sign up for the “Rain Gauge Shoot-out” at KFDA’s website, but added it wouldn’t make much difference because it never rains anyway.
Kurtis Brozowski, Staff Writer
Veteran Amarillo meteorologist “Doppler” Dave Oliver recently admitted in a tell-all interview that he has often prayed for threatening weather to assail the Amarillo area. “You’ve got all the gadgets at the ready,” he said. “You’ve got the cutting edge radars and the tornado prediction software. All I’m saying is it’d be nice to get to use it more than once every two years.”
The admission follows what Oliver himself called “kind of a meltdown” on a recent 6:00 KFDA broadcast. After tracking a line of violent storms moving in from eastern New Mexico, Oliver was dismayed when the band broke apart in the western panhandle. “I don’t know how many more freaking times I can feign interest in a rain shower in God-forsaken Union County!” Oliver shouted as he pranced back and forth wildly in front of the green screen. “There’s more antelope than people in Union county, and they sure as hell don’t need me to tell them it’s raining!” he dismayed before being replaced by the seven-day forecast.
Oliver was given a week’s leave from KFDA, but has since returned to the nightly news broadcast.
“I’ll admit it,” he told Amarillo Sphere News. “There are nights when I get down on my knees and pray for a line of tornadoes. Some hail. Anything.” The veteran weather anchor seemed saddened by this admission, but not really apologetic. “Ask around,” he told us. “Other guys in this business, they’ll tell you the same thing. Our only time to shine is when we can cut into the final episode of Survivor and tell people to seek a centralized room and stay away from windows.”
“It’s worth the angry calls,” he added.
Long-time Amarillo meteorologist and renowned local deaf man Roy McCoy shared Oliver‘s cynicism. “Hell,” he says, “I used to make up tornadoes in them counties nobody lives in. Nothing boosts ratings like ‘tornado warning’ across the top of the screen” McCoy said louder than necessary. “Now you kids gonna buy some hearing aids or not?”
Research confirms McCoy reported approximately 11 tornado warnings in Lipscomb County from 1991-1996 that were never confirmed by the National Weather Service.
Oliver says the prevalence of internet weather information and The Weather Channel has all but made his job obsolete. “It’s kind of depressing,” he conceded. “Sure, I change the projected highs a couple of degrees, and bump up the rain chances just to give people some hope. But, you try telling people what they already know three times a day every day of the year. People around here know it’s hot and dry. Broadcasting from freaking Wonderland Park can’t change that message.”
Oliver added that he knew the city of Clayton, New Mexico was in Union County, but doubted many people there were watching anyway. He encouraged readers to sign up for the “Rain Gauge Shoot-out” at KFDA’s website, but added it wouldn’t make much difference because it never rains anyway.
'Teavangelicals' Spur Naming War
Thurgood Washington
Political Correspondent
Washington, D.C. -- Alarmed about reports that adherents of the Tea Party have married their views with traditional evangelical Christians to form the “Teavangelical” movement, Liberal Democrats quickly vowed to respond with their own strange political alliance name.
“We haven’t decided which of our many factions to marry together yet,” said Liberal leader Nancy Pelosi, “but we’re going to one up those illegitimate misogynistic Bible thumpers. Count on it.” Pelosi explained that the liberal think tank Washington Post has already floated several trial balloons for catchy new names. “We’ve focus group tested the name ‘Peavangelists’ but people said it could be taken as a reference to the brain size of our most ardent acolytes.”
Pelosi also reported that liberal groups have recommended the name “Demoncrats,” but she vetoed the idea because it might slander Satanic cults to be so closely linked with the party represented by the other side of the name.
Another popular suggestion came from closet Democrat and sometimes California resident Kel Seliger (R-Amarillo), who posited the name “Itsnotatax-ocrats.” Pelosi quickly shot the suggestion down, noting that “The Supreme Court recently said it was. Or not.” She countered with “Itsataxifthatswhatittakestowin-ocrats.” She withdrew the suggestion when it was pointed out that the bumper sticker would only fit on a Hummer, which would not be environmentally sensitive.
Political Correspondent
Washington, D.C. -- Alarmed about reports that adherents of the Tea Party have married their views with traditional evangelical Christians to form the “Teavangelical” movement, Liberal Democrats quickly vowed to respond with their own strange political alliance name.
“We haven’t decided which of our many factions to marry together yet,” said Liberal leader Nancy Pelosi, “but we’re going to one up those illegitimate misogynistic Bible thumpers. Count on it.” Pelosi explained that the liberal think tank Washington Post has already floated several trial balloons for catchy new names. “We’ve focus group tested the name ‘Peavangelists’ but people said it could be taken as a reference to the brain size of our most ardent acolytes.”
Pelosi also reported that liberal groups have recommended the name “Demoncrats,” but she vetoed the idea because it might slander Satanic cults to be so closely linked with the party represented by the other side of the name.
Another popular suggestion came from closet Democrat and sometimes California resident Kel Seliger (R-Amarillo), who posited the name “Itsnotatax-ocrats.” Pelosi quickly shot the suggestion down, noting that “The Supreme Court recently said it was. Or not.” She countered with “Itsataxifthatswhatittakestowin-ocrats.” She withdrew the suggestion when it was pointed out that the bumper sticker would only fit on a Hummer, which would not be environmentally sensitive.
Petition Hopes to Give "Yellow" Light to Illegals
Road signs and souvenirs would face "Yellowing"
July 3, 2012 - Amarillo, TX
Kurtis Brozowski, Staff Writer
In the wake of the Obama administration’s recent easing of its deportation policies regarding undocumented immigrants, many Amarillo citizens are concerned that the city’s name may send an unwanted signal to illegals now free to apply for recurring work permits.
Over 2,000 area residents have signed a petition asking that the city name be changed from Amarillo to Yellow. The petition states “We want workers—documented and undocumented alike—to know that when they are in our city, they are in America. It is an affront to our American heritage that our city bears a Spanish name.”
Jeb Roscoe, a farmer who has lived in the panhandle for over 60 years and has signed the petition, said “Eventually you’ve got to put your foot down. We’ve got to do what we can to push back against these dern liberals.” When asked about the immigration status of workers helping with his harvest, Roscoe replied, “Damn liberals won’t be happy tll America’s plumb destroyed.”
"Yellow Fever" continues on the "Local News" Page. Click here to read.
Kurtis Brozowski, Staff Writer
In the wake of the Obama administration’s recent easing of its deportation policies regarding undocumented immigrants, many Amarillo citizens are concerned that the city’s name may send an unwanted signal to illegals now free to apply for recurring work permits.
Over 2,000 area residents have signed a petition asking that the city name be changed from Amarillo to Yellow. The petition states “We want workers—documented and undocumented alike—to know that when they are in our city, they are in America. It is an affront to our American heritage that our city bears a Spanish name.”
Jeb Roscoe, a farmer who has lived in the panhandle for over 60 years and has signed the petition, said “Eventually you’ve got to put your foot down. We’ve got to do what we can to push back against these dern liberals.” When asked about the immigration status of workers helping with his harvest, Roscoe replied, “Damn liberals won’t be happy tll America’s plumb destroyed.”
"Yellow Fever" continues on the "Local News" Page. Click here to read.
God's Burning Wrath Consumes Colorado Springs
July 2, 2012
Josie James, Staff Reporter Once referred to as “a base from which the evangelical movement launches initiatives that affect civic life across the nation,” Colorado Springs currently looks more like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, as God’s fiery, Old Testament-style judgement consumes the buildings that used to house Focus on the Family Industries. Read More Here, and we'll donate $1 to Wildfire Relief! |
A note from the writer: This piece is in no way meant to mock God, Colorado, or the residents of Colorado Springs. The fire is a tragedy, and I hope that the real critique here is obvious, but just in case, for the first week this article was up, we donated $1 per unique visitor to the page to the relief effort. As always, we welcome your feedback. amarillosphere@gmail.com.
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Business Leaders, Schools Clash on How to Best Demotivate Students
A sneak peak at the new "accountability" system.
Mario Vences-Padrone
Staff Writer, Education Correspondent
Business leaders met in Austin this week to demand that schools who want more money should “quit being giant babies” about being held accountable to “totally reasonable 5-times-a-year full-day standardized testing.”
One of those leaders was overheard to say, “Mo money, mo problems. What do schools expect? We, the taxpayers, really need to push for a system of testing that holds schools accountable for teaching students to correctly fill in answer bubbles on multiple choice tests. Without over-testing how can we keep proud Texans at the very bottom of the educational totem pole in this country? If we have to keep hiring new armies of monkeys to write and re-write the exams because schools keep crying that the accountability system ‘needs to better represent authentic learning,’ then we may also be liable to the federal government for enslaving a protected species of chimp."
Tim Boston, who recently won an AISD officials-only pillow fight to become president of the AISD school board, said that overall, he was “cool” with the standardized testing. “But,” he quickly added, “We don’t want to expect too much from our students because they just may give up trying, in much the same way that I gave up on my dream of being a wet nurse.”
Business leader Gill Hammond, president and CEO of the Texas Association of Business, a member of the Texas Coalition for a Competitive Workforce, was quick to point out the irony in this type of thinking.
“This is the 21st Century. We need innovative thinking geared towards student success and technological advancements.” He continued, “Schools want more and more money, and then argue when we, the taxpayers, want accountability. It’s sometimes like we’re paying them to perform poorly.” Hammond compared this kind of lack of logic to taking an ineffective teacher out of the classroom by promoting him to administration.
Vic Doomis, administrator with AISD, responded to Hammond’s comments. “Technology is inappropriate and expensive, but thinking is what we are aiming for. We want to teach kids to think good, I think,” Doomis mused. When asked to clarify his position on the accountability system, he remarked, “This is all a bit over my head.”
Todd Schroder, Superintendent of AISD, argued that the lower standards are good for students. He maintains that students need to achieve success incrementally so as not to overwhelm their frail sense of accomplishment. He pointed to the District’s recent decline in performance and subsequent increase in funding as an example, saying, “Whatever we have been doing or not doing has been working just fine.”
Staff Writer, Education Correspondent
Business leaders met in Austin this week to demand that schools who want more money should “quit being giant babies” about being held accountable to “totally reasonable 5-times-a-year full-day standardized testing.”
One of those leaders was overheard to say, “Mo money, mo problems. What do schools expect? We, the taxpayers, really need to push for a system of testing that holds schools accountable for teaching students to correctly fill in answer bubbles on multiple choice tests. Without over-testing how can we keep proud Texans at the very bottom of the educational totem pole in this country? If we have to keep hiring new armies of monkeys to write and re-write the exams because schools keep crying that the accountability system ‘needs to better represent authentic learning,’ then we may also be liable to the federal government for enslaving a protected species of chimp."
Tim Boston, who recently won an AISD officials-only pillow fight to become president of the AISD school board, said that overall, he was “cool” with the standardized testing. “But,” he quickly added, “We don’t want to expect too much from our students because they just may give up trying, in much the same way that I gave up on my dream of being a wet nurse.”
Business leader Gill Hammond, president and CEO of the Texas Association of Business, a member of the Texas Coalition for a Competitive Workforce, was quick to point out the irony in this type of thinking.
“This is the 21st Century. We need innovative thinking geared towards student success and technological advancements.” He continued, “Schools want more and more money, and then argue when we, the taxpayers, want accountability. It’s sometimes like we’re paying them to perform poorly.” Hammond compared this kind of lack of logic to taking an ineffective teacher out of the classroom by promoting him to administration.
Vic Doomis, administrator with AISD, responded to Hammond’s comments. “Technology is inappropriate and expensive, but thinking is what we are aiming for. We want to teach kids to think good, I think,” Doomis mused. When asked to clarify his position on the accountability system, he remarked, “This is all a bit over my head.”
Todd Schroder, Superintendent of AISD, argued that the lower standards are good for students. He maintains that students need to achieve success incrementally so as not to overwhelm their frail sense of accomplishment. He pointed to the District’s recent decline in performance and subsequent increase in funding as an example, saying, “Whatever we have been doing or not doing has been working just fine.”
SCOTUS Hands Down Health Care Decision: Nation Clueless as to Why it’s Crapping Itself
June 29, 2012—Amarillo, TX
Rusty Shackleford, Staff Reporter Yesterday the United States Supreme Court announced its decision regarding a number of constitutional challenges to the Affordable Health Care Act. In a narrow 5-4 decision the country’s highest Court upheld the Act on the basis of the Federal government’s constitutional taxing authority, and after a short moment of quiet reflection- the Nation collectively browned itself. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta issued a statement early Friday morning noting that the sudden and inexplicable collective loss of bowel control that sloshed over the nation was not caused by a microbe. Instead, America’s top disease experts believe that the condition was psychosomatic. Dr. Sanjay Williams, MD PHD told the Sphere, “we know the event, while disgusting, was not the result of a bug. Instead I believe it was the natural effect of psychological shock on lower intestine.” The effects of the great communal dump were first felt on social media sites and newspaper comment boards. The Sphere dove into the murky-grey detritus of internet opinions to bring you this simple conclusion: absolutely nobody knows why they are shitting themselves over the 193 page Supreme Court opinion. Public opinion of the ruling varies from ill-informed belief to actual insanity. We have collected some of the more firm turd-brained theories espoused by leading internet thinkers. Clearly a constitutional law professor, Clement Samuel, a.k.a. yapdogAGN, blogged that opinion heralded our nation’s first step toward oblivion stating: “It's REALLY sad that this country is falling so fast into oblivion and we all sit on our butts and do nothing to stop it. You all just watched the first step in this country becoming a dictatorship and everything you own will be taxed so much even Trump won't be able to pay it all. It's really sad to see so many ostriches with their heads in the sand letting the far left brain dead to take over.....This is the same thought process and apathy that killed another country years ago...about 1939 was the time........ remember ??? He became dictator, killed off a whole society, complete generations, just because they didn't think it would happen to them.” In a daring ballet of poignant rhetoric, thinker and presumed 1977 Yale Law School valedictorian Samuel effectively dispensed with grammar, type-face conventions, as well as his normally deep understanding of the American progressive tax system -- all while building up to an inevitable reference to Hitler. Then, he pooed himself. Thinkers on the other end of the political spectrum were also quick to throw around their brown stink balls of legal and policy analysis. Sara Illinova, a.k.a. georgebushthefirst, mostly like a Professor of Public Policy at Cornell University, expressed concern that the very legislators who passed the AHCA legislation already had free health care, stating “Republican Politicans are getting full Medical Health Care from us the Tax Payers, if they don’t like the Affordable Health Care Act for other Americans Then give up your Government Health Care.” Dr. Illinova’s sentiments reflect a serious disjuncture from her otherwise sound analysis of the current political climate. Read more reactions from local "Constitutional Scholars" here. |
Local Christian Group Splits over Decision to Convert to Islam
June 29, 2012 -- Amarillo, TX
Josie James, Staff Reporter Local religious "group" Refrain Amarillo converted to Islam earlier today, when founding member David Griffington decided Sharia law might allow for a more effective ministry strategy. "For a long time now, God has been calling me to preach to Americans, specifically Amarilloans and encourage then to refrain from their sinful behavior." When asked about his decision to convert to a religion that he previously has referred to as a "religion of evil," Griffington impressively used the word "sodomy" in a sentence three times, saying, "Can a nation be blessed when it legalizes sodomy and then allows sodomy to be paraded in its streets and even pollutes the covenant of holy matrimony by daring to call sodomy equal to marriage?" He added, "Plus, if a Christian group plans to stone someone or burn holy books, people 'expect them to know better' and the public whines about the need to be 'Christ-like.' If a Muslim wants to do the same thing, it gets chalked up to 'cultural differences.'" His wife, who forms the other half of the group, plans to withdraw her support of Refrain Amarillo and form a new ministry organization, stating that she "just can't jive with this new weakened stance on homosexuality." "Honor killings by the sword?", she elaborated, "That's nothing, in the good old days, Dave would have hopped in our ministry hearse and followed those perverts around everywhere they went, using a loudspeaker to nag them toward brokenness before the Lord. I think it's obvious that he's gone soft." |
Studies Show: Grain Free Diet Leads to Uncontrollable Talking about Grain Free Diet
June 28, 2012 Josie James, Staff Reporter According to recent findings released by the National Institute of Health, adherents to a grain-free diet are at high risk of not being able to shut up about their grain free diet. A grain-free lifestyle has been advocated by many alternative health “experts” due to its alleged proficiency at keeping the good and bad intestinal flora in balance, which theoretically leads to better, more natural health. Or something. “We went on a grain-free diet about three days ago, and it has worked wonders for our family, I can’t recommend it enough,” said Mary Meriwither, local GAPS (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) diet disciple and star of little-watched YouTube Series How to Brew Kombucha. “My husband, Ken, used to get athlete’s foot flair ups from time to time before we started GAPS, and yesterday he said his feet didn’t itch at all!” Meriwither contined, “Before a grain-free diet, our family had to go to much greater lengths to be non-mainstream. I mean, backyard chickening is great and all, but it’s so much harder to work into every single conversation that I have with people.” While the NIH did not make any comment on the relative healthiness of the grain-free lifestyle itself, a representative did express concern for the friends and family members of grain-free diet devotees: “The diet definitely causes strain on the loved ones of its followers. I mean it’s one thing to have to accommodate a vegetarian friend or family member, but the verbal diarrhea caused by the grain free diet is more strain than some relationships can bear.” |
Klansmen Attending Pride Events Confused, Disappointed
 Chet Manwood, center, realizes he misinterpreted the "pride" in PrideFest.
June 26, 2012 -- Amarillo, TX
Rusty Shakleford, Staff Reporter For some, last week's PrideFest and Panhandle Pride 2012 events served as a signal that Amarillo has embarked on unprecedented journey toward tolerance. While Amarillo as a whole seemed to grasp and ignore the theme of last week's festivities, some elements within the community were befuddled. Amarillo's Ku Klux Klan (local 248) arrived at the Unitarian Church on Saturday evening to find a much different celebration than what they expected. Local Klan leader Chet Manwood explained that, "When we heard there was going to be a PrideFest, our natural reaction was to assume that we was going to be celebrating our White culture and heritage." Manwood continued, "Dog-gunnit men should be men. I mean, my Pa and his friend Steve did not work their bodies to the bone building one the most exclusive night-club-slash-live-theater venues in all of Dallas just to see these here rainbow-wearin' fruit-tards sittin' around eatin' cheese-its and bein' all accepting." One anonymous member of KKK 248 mistakenly thought he was at a Lisa Frank-themed quinceanera. Read Full Article |
American Airlines Diverts Flight, Amarillo Gets Tourism Boost
June 27, 2012 -- Amarillo, TX
Josie James, Staff Reporter A Boeing 737 was grounded in Amarillo yesterday after one of its engines "mysteriously" caught fire near Amarillo. The flight was en route from Orange County, California to the DFW area. Passengers were unloaded and given the option of being given rations of pretzels and sleeping on the tarmac, or spending the night at the new, elegant Courtyard by Marriot on Polk Street and enjoying any of Amarillo's many upscale dining locations. Tim Timmonsly, a representative for Rick Husband Airport commented, "You know, it's weird. This is the third time this has happened in recent months. What's weirder is there is always a unmarked shuttle bus that arrives from shortly before the diversions to our airport. It's as if the good Lord knows that that some of his sky-bound children are going to need immaculate accommodations in a clean, laid back, quirky-but-cool city." Airport Food Service worker and assumed drunk, Petreo Wilson, theorized wildly, "I heard the Big Texan's been experimenting with some huge magnet laser things. And my brother . . . get this . . . my brother says they got some sort of ray gun on top of the City Hall." When contacted, Mayor Paul Harpole was quick to dismiss the conspiratorial claims, "That's ludicrous. I mean, even if we had dual 50 cal anti-aircraft guns and some sort of 'ray gun' mounted on top of City Hall to 'encourage' planes to stop here, why would we pick planes full of Californians? I mean, I am all for promoting tourism and growth for Amarillo, but the last thing this town needs is a bunch of self-important vegans from the People's Republic of California getting comfortable here. We don't want to turn into Santa Fe." Harpole continued, "No, diverting that plane to Amarillo would be a huge mistake. Something someone is totally getting fired over." |
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